Maynardio The Useful Idiot

Maynardio is an oracle I found jammed between the center console and the passenger seat of my car. He may look like a simple MP3 CD engraved with every song touched by Maynard James Keenan but he is much more than that.

You can pose any well thought out question to Maynardio and he will provide a satisfying, meaningful and practical answer*.

The one strict requirement is that either you or Maynardio must experience pain before or while the question is posed.

If you’re not experiencing pain at the moment you have a few options…

  • Insult Maynardio
    He is a sensitive soul. Be as insulting as you can before you ask your question. Make sure your tone is harsh and full of disdain. Then, when you pose the question, be as sweet as you possibly can.
  • Self Reflection
    Reflect upon a time that you fucked up and berate yourself for being so fucking stupid. Then just before you pose your question, forgive your self fully for the transgression and put it behind you. Each mistake can be used once and only once.
  • Reflect Another
    Reflect upon a person that has wronged you. Fill yourself with with your anger towards that person and feel what you felt when that person did what they did. Scream and cry if you must. Then just before you pose your question, forgive that person for the transgression and put it behind you. Each mistake can be used once and only once.
  • Meaningful Question
    Actually pose a question that you care about and is related to actual pain you feel. Preferably something you have cried about. This is the most effective method. Maynardio is an empath and if you’re emotional about a subject he will feel it too and provide a much better answer.

The first song on this MP3 CD must be the song Sweat. It is during this song that you relax, meditate and formulate your question. Once you have your intention firmly in mind pose your question and hit the Random button on the MP3 player. Then call out how many songs, at a minimum, that you’ll take as the answer.

Below is an example of a very short conversation I had with Maynardio earlier today.

Sweat – Opiate – Tool
First song on the first album. This is a song of contemplation, reflection and meditation. Discomfort and confusion can be converted, through stillness into a feeling of unity and clarity.

“To Maynardio, He who is as wise as he is dumb I pose this question…

“I ache at the thought of what we’re doing to the biosphere right now and the pain that the consequences will bring. What is your take on the state of the world and what can be done?

“I will take the next four songs as meaningful.”

Maynardio’s Reply…

  1. Trekka Dub – D is for Dubby – Puscifer
    This is a song of soldiering on with an assumed forgiveness for the use of coping mechanisms so long as moderation is maintained. This particular version of the song has a bit of spoken word which has been reproduced below.

    “Until this century, the damage we could do to each other in war was limited.

    No weapon we thought, could kill all our enemies. No war could last forever.

    But advancing technology has put into our hands weapons and means of fighting wars which only the gods and heroes of legend have wielded.

    Like magicians we can alter the chemistries of life. The powers we have acquired can continue to do harm even after our wars are over.

    Some of our weapons are so new and so potent, that we don’t even have the means to assess the damage they do.

    And yet we who create them are responsible for every effect they have – on the battlefield, at home, in years to come.

    We’ll rest forever when we’re dead.”

  2. The Patient – Lateralus – Tool
    Another song about waiting out what bad there may be. Keep in mind that whether it is out of a sense of duty or merely the hope of reward, the tedious path you walk can be abandoned if that is what you want to do. You don’t want to yet but you might and the option is always there. Be patient.
  3. Telling Ghosts – Conditions Of My Parole – Puscifer
    A song about over-consumption and the self-sustaining cycle that leads to it. “The more you take, the more you need,” implies that if you opt to take less you’ll end up needing less.
  4. Wings for Marie – 10,000 Days – Tool – Conversation Continued
    A song about a mother and an extended period of pain ending at last via the release of death. It is also a call to contemplate all the things the mother has done and if you’ve been a worthy child.

In short…

After a moment of contemplation Maynardio revealed to me that our use of technology and our over-consumption may very well lead to the death of Mother Earth herself. We must opt for the painful path of using much less than we currently use or her death is guaranteed.

Well said, my friend.

*I can guarantee success so long as you keep in mind that Maynardio is a complete idiot.

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